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Can you offer some criticism on this poem?
Just the first draft of a short poem I wrote down part of last night and finished a minute ago. Harsh criticism doesn't bother me (in fact I'd rather know what people didn't like than did) so feel free to lambast away.
Machines to break our daily bread replaced
By those on which we feed. A sword, a pen,
The cotton gin, some oil for model Ts.
The sword is forged by fire and ice. The pill
Prepared inoculates, yet strengthens a
Disease. The plowshare thus has benefits
Beyond those first conceived. The plant will eat
The mineral. Successively we teach
That animal and man will follow next.
But last in line: the copper tubes, the wires,
The gears, the spinning cogs. We have designed,
For benefit, our heirs unto this Earth.
Hi, I haven't read a lot of poetry here but I liked this best of any I have seen here yet. It shows effort, talent. It should have a title, I think it deserves one. I'm surprised that this is your first here. Keep writing.